Hi. I'm Johnny. If you know me already, you know I'm not exactly racist....but, I love racist jokes. I'm not really sure if "American Indian" is a race, but there may be some offensive content in here. (also, upon a 5 second Google search, yes...."American Indian" is a race) But, it's only going to sound offensive to an outsider. You see, I'm just compiling my own opinions here based on living with and around Native American people for the past couple of weeks.
How did I get here, you ask? Well, upon so much self-reflection, I realized I have exactly ZERO Native American friends. And don't give me that shit about "Hey, I'm 10 percent Indian" or whatever. Go masturbate 10 percent, or take 10 percent antibiotics for your last STD, and see what 10 percent means. It means exactly 10 percent of shit.
So, I decided a few weeks ago to help facilitate a remodel of a retail store (yes, I still do actual work from time to time to fund travel monies). This remodel happened to be near (1/6th of a mile) from a series of Indian reservations. It also happened to be near a casino. And also happened to be near an Indian-run RV park. So, I decided to immerse myself into any culture "they" would let me.
These are things I would learn:
1. "Hybrid" Tribes exists. The new friends and "family" I would meet are some sort of hybrid tribe of Apache and Navajo. However, their biggest fight these days is to call their business "Apachejo" or "Navapache".
2. My Indians are not a small people. Seriously, 100% of the Indians I would see and meet (hundreds, maybe a thousand) are at minimum "obese". Upon having dinners, and hang-times, it's clear to see why. They don't EVER drink water. You see, water is for bathing. Gatorade and Firewater is what they drink.....like constantly. Sugary bullshit, chips, and Mountain Dew "Ice" is what is consistently going in their mouths. When I drunkenly (FIREWATER) asked my new tribe why they're all so fuckin' fat, they aggressively respond "I will always be able to devour my enemy". This will not be the last aggressive thing I learn.
3. Kids. Holy fuck. Every 30something couple has a goddamn baseball team of semen-bloom. "Tribe" is something that's instilled in them, and the more offspring, the more "powerful" the family, according to tribe. I usually despise kids, but somehow, they've all made these kids incredibly hospitable, and dare I say......tolerable? Manners are life.
4. The Indian Gays. Tonight, I finally went to their casino. I'm not really a gambler, but there was a deal on the dinner buffet, and I scored some credits by signing up for the "Player's Club". I was sitting at the bar when I noticed 6 (obviously Indian), well hair-cutted Indians walk in wearing U.S.A. "Winter Olympics Ice Skating Gear". They came to the bar to cheer, and for fuck's sake, I'm about to meet some rad people. They were cheering so loud and mimicking "our" skaters.
Mind you, I travel alone. And am always looking for rad people. So when I saw them "acting out" ice skating routines.......clearly, I approached.....and challenged them to a game of "Bar Curling".
For the record, The Indian Gays are just like regular flamboyant gays....BUT....they have been raised since childhood and trained to kill you in a thousand eagle ways. They LITERALLY can dance how they want to.
5. Meth is a thing. Peyote is not so much. Yes, I was looking for some cool metaphysical drug-induced experience, based on thousands of years of history. I'm clearly not finding that here.
6. Watching the Winter Olympics. All Indians (at least here) are so focused on American Winter Olympics. I would learn that the "Winter Olympics" are still a thing, and didn't disappear in 1992, which was the last time I learned they were a thing. Whatever.....Go America Frozen Nipple Sports!!!!!
7. Arizona State "Curtain of Distraction". Holy...Fucking...Shit... If you don't know, search it on the YouTubes. It is the greatest thing you will see today.
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