How is it Christmas already??? I was just watching 4th of July fireworks yesterday! Anyway, your 24-Day Countdown has officially begun. If you're a chick, you were probably finished with your shopping last February. BUT, if you're a dude, you probably spent a bit too much time researching the 4K TV with the best refresh rate and highest amount of Quantum Dots this past Black Friday Weekend to think of gifts for others. But, it's time to focus!
Yes, I do find myself with some extra time on my hands these days, so I thought I would check out some rad gift ideas. Most of these are from Amazon. Most, I use myself (BUY A FRIGGIN' HAMMOCK. It's life-changing!). And, yes, I get a few pennies from some of them when you buy. But, whatever....You're probably shopping online at work anyway.
First and foremost....you should invest in Amazon Prime. Either for yourself or as a gift. I became addicted to Amazon when I was outfitting Vandalf the Grey, and preparing for life on the road. I was hesitant at first about paying $99, so I did a free 30 day "trial membership". That was enough to get me hooked. Free 2 day shipping, access to Amazon Prime Video (I'm a HUGE Grand Tour fan), and their music streaming service is pretty rad, too. I ended up paying the membership fee AND becoming an affiliate because I really love the product. Don't believe me? Try it for free for a month. Seriously. Just buy your Christmas Crap, get free shipping and don't renew it! (but, I bet you will anyway). Click below for a trial, or to give as a gift.
Ideas for Guys
Being a guy, I would like to claim that I am the foremost expert on this subject. Most guys like me will typically play coy during Christmas or birthdays. You'll often hear phrases like "I just want to be around you guys for Christmas", or "nothing, I'm fine". There's just some sort of "narcissistic nobility" in the words. The truth is, we all want shit. Cool shit. Shit to brag about at the office on Monday. Shit that makes our friends ask "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT??!?" as we smugly act like it's no big deal.
Here are some of those things:
I watched Anchorman on the side of a van in the mountains of North Carolina on one of these things. It was after a van rally in Asheville. This husband and wife couple I met had one of these, and swore by it. I'm not gonna lie, it was super-dope: starry skies, chilly weather; multiple campfires crackling behind us. He used to also host "movie lunches" on the wall during lunch breaks at his old job. I give it two dirty thumbs-ups.
2. Hand-blown, bullet-embedded glassware. Are you kidding me? Why would someone make something like this? Because America, that's fucking why! .50 cal pint glasses, .308 cal whiskey glasses. Drinking from these will make eagles nest on your roof, kale will now taste like apple pie, and your ringtone will instantly change to Freebird.
3. "The Seeker" Crossbow. A crossbow bolt may just be the second-best thing a man can release from his body. AND, there's no need for a nap after. Other side affects may include increased heart rate, thicker facial hair, and a newfound desire to wear camo underwear. Pesky raccoons bothering you? "Seek" them.* Neighborhood kids skateboarding too loudly? "Seek" them.* Trump supporters still talking about "draining the swamp"? "Seek" them.*
*yeah. please don't do any of that shit. kthnx.
4. Classic Apothecarry Case. Look. It's time to admit it: you're an adult now. Like, a real, human adult male. With a mortgage, a rogue grey body hair, and hopefully, a "Seeker" crossbow. It's time to stop hiding your stash in a wrinkled, plastic baggy, hidden away in a shoebox in the closet or shoved deep into the junk drawer. It's time to protect, display, and maintain the freshness and quality of your herbs. You need a luxury herb humidor and storage system....nay, you DESERVE a luxury herb humidor and storage system.
Ideas for Girls
I'm going to be honest here: this is a lot of guesswork. You know...like most things with girls. Guys: you know your ladies the best, and hopefully, you've been making mental notes when she shows you things while shopping (but doesn't buy them), or she "accidentally" leaves strategic websites up on your computer, or she talks about what her friend just bought. These are going to be some additional cool things that she may also like.* I've done some major digital reconnaissance here, so if it works, you're going to need to buy me a beer.
*In all honesty, she'll probably hate them, and ask wtf you were thinking.
Let's try anyway:
1. Lole Deena Yoga Duffle Bag. This thing just makes sense.
Why would anyone carry separate bags for yoga mat, clothes,
laptop, etc?? This badass bitch is a travel bag, laptop holder,
with separate "wet pocket" for those soaked yoga pants, detachable makeup bag, and yoga mat holder. I'd say it's the MacGyver of
bags, but that may not sound very ladylike.
2. Inspire Mac No. 2 Candle. You know that smell from opening that fresh Apple iPad, or iPhone? Well, bottle that up, add some fuckin' flower extracts, dip that shit in earth-friendly soy wax, and here ya go! This thing is some sort of limited edition gimmick, too.
Fun fact: there is no headphone jack in this product, either.
3. Totally Pink brand Onesies. Have a girl who would "NEVER wear a onesie"? It's time to get a new girl. Pick an animal or a color, and these guys have it. Your girl a book nerd? Get her an Owlsie. Love steaks? Get her a Cowsie. I feel two examples here is sufficient.
4. Tile Key-Finder. I don't want to imply that all women just seem to have a habit of losing their keys, but, ummmm......there is a reason these were originally only sold in pink color. Seriously, though. This thing is badass. It's a little "tile" that attaches to your keys (or purse). And, when you (inevitably) lose your keys, you can open an app on your phone to make your keys make a loud sound. You can even hear it when you drunkenly leave them in the freezer! (not that I've tested this). The link is for a "his" and "hers", so you don't have to look judgmental.
Rad Gifts for Everyone!
1. UE Boom 2 Bluetooth Speaker. I bought the original Boom a couple years ago, and I freaking love it. It took a lot of thought to shell out $200 for a wireless speaker, but the amount of use I've gotten from this girthy speaker made it well worth it. This thing is small, loud, WATERPROOF, and the battery still lasts all damn day of blasting the latest David Hasselhoff tunes. This is the latest one, so I can only imagine how much better it is. PLUS, it's on sale!! Get that shit!!
2. Shun Sora Chef's Knife. Look, you don't need a damn 127 piece kitchen knife set. You need ONE good knife in the kitchen. One badass, versatile, cutting blade. There are tons of brands out there, but this one is handcrafted by a team of underage ninjas in Japan (it's cool, they get paid in discounted Nintendo Power subscriptions). And, I swear to all things holy, if you put this mini hand-sword in the dishwasher, I will use mine on you.
3. Honest Outfitters Double Hammock. This is my best friend. I use this thing constantly, even sleep in it on nice nights. I can certainly confirm that it will hold 2 people and 2 dogs. I spend some entire days in this things reading, chilling, and thinking about how I went my entire life without owning a hammock. This thing is better than meditation.
4. Arlo Wireless Home Security System by NetGear. Protect yo shit! This system is pretty awesome. Works with Alexa and Echo. Night vision cameras. Motion activated, and can email you in real time. Watch live video of your house (or your dogs!) while you're away. And, it's cheap!
5. Amazon Echo (the new one!). You need this mostly because it comes in wood grain! Look, if you don't know what this little guy can do, just watch this NSFW video. No, I'm kidding....it's totally safe for work.
Books!!!
These are all some of my favorites (The Art of Racing in the Rain is my favorite book of all time).
Well, that's all I got for ya! I hope you all have an amazing Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah! And, just a reminder.....if you shop at all on Amazon, please use my affiliate link. You'll shop just like normal, and I'll get a few pennies for gas! Bookmark it!!
- Johnny
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