I’ve never been to Vegas. If I’m being honest, I’ve never really desired to go to Vegas, despite all of the bachelor parties of friend’s, marriages, “bro’s weekends”, and ummmm….more bachelor parties. I mean, I love parties…I love drinking with friends until someone’s dick ends up in the mashed potatoes. Or playing the “What Happened??” or “WHO DID I TEXT LAST NIGHT??” game. I just don’t know if I’ve ever needed to travel that far to come up with a “cover story” for a buddy’s bachelor party shenanigans.
But, here I am…
I had spent the last few days in Salt Lake City, Utah with a great friend of mine, Lindsey. I would’ve loved to stay a few more days because SLC is surprisingly awesome, but, I had a Workaway I had committed to (which I was very excited to get to!) in Arizona. It was close to 500 miles away, so I decided to break it up in a couple of travel day chunks. Onyx and I both get a bit ansy to drive long distances.
It was a Friday, and we had found this incredible campsite in SW Utah, right on a stream and in the middle of a mountain range. I had decided to stay a day or two to relax, record a video, and do some hiking, reading and writing.
That night, I received a text from my buddy Gummer, and had a conversation that looked a bit like this:
Well, looks like I’m headed to Vegas. Friday was what I call a “Zero Day”, which is a through-hiking term, meaning no miles travelled for the day. I also add “Zero Dollars Spent” to my “Zero Days”. So, Saturday morning, Onyx and I packed up, and headed southwest.
If you’re planning on going to Vegas any time soon, might I suggest flying into S. Utah, renting a convertible, then driving into Vegas? It is otherworldly. I still can’t believe how wrong I was about the topography of an entire state. Holy shit, you idiot, Utah is NOT flat, I kept telling myself. The entire time is spent driving through canyons, carved into tall rock formations. Foliage doesn’t really exist, so you’re just staring at these bare red-brown towers in every direction. “Beware of Falling Rocks” signs are littered every mile…..ok, so maybe you don’t rent a convertible….
About 50 miles from Vegas is where things start looking different. The giant rock formations are farther and farther into the distance. “Grass” becomes patchy, making the earth look like an old dog with mange. Built establishments no longer exist. Basically, it becomes the worst place to have a breakdown.
I pulled over at a “truck stop” about 20 miles from town. And, by “truck stop”, it’s just a big patch of dirt. As I walked Onyx around amongst the hundreds of pee-filled plastic bottles, I noticed something that up until that exact moment, I didn’t know truly existed. Bigfoot, you ask? Proof of concept of Pangaea? The reason of Kardashian fame? Nope….
tumbleweeds.
I guess I had always seen it in cartoons with roadrunner, but having never seen it in real life, I suppose I just thought it was a cartoon effect, like the roadrunner (days later, I’ll discover that a roadrunner is also a real thing).
Driving into Vegas is pretty surreal. It’s a desert, with mountains surrounding it on every side. And, yet, here is this big city that can be seen from the moon. Traffic immediately goes from 6 cars around me to 4,553,915 cars around me, as we approach from the north.
Needing gas, I stopped at the first exit before reaching all those famous buildings. It’s packed. People are angry. The pump is broken. The second pump is broken. A car backs into Vandalf’s bumper. The driver is angry at my parked van, as if my wizardly Chevy Express were to blame. A couple argues in the background about who’s going to pay for the gas. The man’s wife-beater seemed more like a badge than a shirt. The sounds of the I-15 are deafening behind me. A helicopter buzzes overhead, seemingly out of nowhere.
I don’t belong here…
So, I continued south. Past the Bellagio. Past the T-Mobile Arena. Past Mandalay Bay. My thoughts: I’ll try this again tomorrow. Funny, I never really suffered from anxiety until just a few years ago. I guess it’s one of those “adult onset” things. It just sucks that there’s never any positive “adult onset” traits. You never hear of cases of “adult onset sense of humor” or “adult onset full head of hair”.
Anyway, I get past the main strip, and take an exit to another gas station to try again. This one is considerably less trafficked. Although, I do see a taxi-van full of what appears to be strippers. This pleases me. So, not meeting up with my buddy Gummer until tomorrow (because of an Elton John concert…jealous.), I decided on two things that I wanted for my first day in Vegas:
1. To try In ‘N’ Out Burger for the first time. Being an east-coaster, we just hear, almost annoyingly, about how amazing these burgers are. And, I LOVE me some burgers! Also, living this nomadic life, my meals usually consist of PB&Js, canned soups, etc., because of the cost of eating out. In ‘N’ Out Burger shall be my splurge! And,
2. To not be in Vegas.
Using good ole’ Google Maps, I learned that the closest location was less than a half mile from me. Excitedly, I parked. Excited because of burger, and because it seemed like every hot girl on earth had just left their pool party to go have a double-double with fries. WOW!
So, after waiting in this crazy line, I decided “when in Rome”, and also ordered a double-double combo…hold the tomato. I decided to go eat my stash in Vandalf, and let Onyx also try this with me for the first time.
It’s good! I mean, this burger is not going to end wars, or make us happy with our presidential selection, but it’s good. Although, hearing about this thing for so many years really did set my expectations loftily high. And, with that being said, when it comes to chain burger joints, I’ll take 5 Guys any day of the week. But, I was happy to have the experience. (the next morning, I’ll get the experience again “animal style”, and it was much, much better….but, still no 5 guys).
So, on to #2. Using my favorite website freecamping.net, I discovered there are many camping spots up in the mountains, about 40 miles west of Vegas proper. I picked the first one I saw, read the main directions (should’ve read the reviews!!!), and hauled ass.
The drive west was nice! Lots of inclines, mountains, and we even saw a herd of rams! I mean, probably rams…or some sort of longhorn sheep, maybe chupacabras. Whatever. They were cool.
The drive in was a really well maintained dirt road. The first couple of spots were clearly used for assholes dumping garbage. But, after a mile or so back into it, Onyx and I found our spot. “Secluded” doesn’t even begin to describe this place. Nobody for miles, and mountain ranges surrounded us. The ground had bits of grass, cactus everywhere, and trails going in all directions. By this time, it was almost 6, and the sun was setting, so we went on a quick hike, then set up shop and took some pictures of a ridiculous sunset.
Somehow, I still had LTE cell service, so I crushed some Netflix. I watched Bert Kreischer’s special (AWESOME!), and binge watched The Moaning of Life. I couldn’t sleep. I was somehow incredibly excited about my Sunday Funday with my good friends in Vegas! I think I finally crashed around 2am.
POP!! POP!!! POP!!! RATTTATATATATATAT!!!!!! POP!! POP!!!
Those were the sounds I woke up to at 8am. Clearly, I must’ve parked on someone’s private property, and they’re shooting at me. Or, it’s gunfire from conflicting Vegas mobsters. Or….
I parked by an outdoor shooting range.
Clearly, I won’t need coffee this morning, but I will need new underwear. DEFINITELY should’ve read the reviews.
So, because it’s going to be a Sunday Funday, and I know some sort of alcohol will be involved (thanks, Gummer and Nicole!), I decided on a hotel in the city. With a quick search on Hotels.com, I found a room at the Day’s Inn for just $24. Seriously?? $24 for a hotel near the action? Add in the $17 dog fee, $18 Vegas Hotel fee, and $17 early check in fee, and now you understand. But, at least Onyx has a place to take naps, while daddy explores the town. Plus, I need some WiFi to upload some things.
How am I just now getting to the actual Vegas part?? Jeez, I’m longwinded. Anyway, we’re going to break it down into three bite-size parts.
Part One: New Vegas
All three of us wanted to see the Mandalay Bay location. It was a tragedy that affected us all directly. I say directly, because we all woke up to the news, and watched in horror of the still-unexplained events that occurred on our home-turf. A cab ride dropped us off, and we first walked around to see the side of the hotel where the cowardly gunman broke the windows. Eerily, the windows had still yet to be repaired. We stood in silence as we looked up to see the Lexan bandaids adhered to the holes where hundreds of rounds of ammunition were spent on the crowd below.
A walk through some ornamental shrubbery, and we could see exactly how far away the concert event lot was. On tv, it doesn’t seem that far, but in reality, it looked like close to 300 yards, across a busy intersection, the gunfire flying over the main road from L.A. to Vegas.
There were makeshift memorials set up at that intersection. Kind words scribbled on papers, flowers, offerings. Words that struck like a brick:
“LET’S BE BETTER HUMANS.”
Police tape still surrounded the crime scene, with multiple large tents set up. Clearly, the investigation is still ongoing, even weeks later.
And, with that, we decided to go exploring. The first stop was the Luxor, that pyramidy, Egyptiany-themed place, filled with many photo-opps. Including, the one of my buddy trying to deep-throat King Tut.
We have a seat at the bar; have a beer and some good conversation, while watching my Falcons take a second half beating by the Dolphins. Gummer tells me that most of the Vegas hotels are connected via walkways, so that you never really need to go outside. I mean…why would anyone ever want to go outside???
The walkways turned into escalators, allowing us to travel so much faster from casino to casino. We land at the bar at Dick’s Last Resort for another beer. Yes, you are seeing a trend here. Also, I thought it was pretty cool that you could travel anywhere with a beer in tow. I dig it…and want a brown paper bag.
The next move was to go to midtown to the Stratosphere via taxi. We debated about how long that walk would take. Gummer says 2 hours…locals say 15 minutes. Apparently, the locals are on local crack. So, we grab the fanciest 24 oz beers we could find at the casino’s convenience store, and head out with our Ethiopian taxi driver, cold PBR’s to chug on the way.
Part Two: The Stratosphere
Yes. Yes, it does get its own part. This place is unbelievably tall! This is the Gummer of Casinos! Honestly, this place and the Bellagio were really the only places I wanted to see. And, The Stratosphere does not disappoint. After chugging that PBR tallboy on the ride over, I’m starting to get my Vegas buzz. Gummer decides emphatically that WE’RE ALL GOING ON THE ROOF! Freaking awesome…but, I need a slice of pizza first.
The ride up is one of those super fast elevators, so in no time, we’re at the top. Stepping out of the elevator and into the circular, transparent room is a bit disorientating at first. It is a 360 degree, panoramic view of not just all of Vegas, but miles of Nevada wasteland, as well. This is where vertigo was discovered.
We watched as people bungee jumped, rode on heart-stopping rides, and decided we needed to see the sites from the confines of a comfy rooftop bar. Cue the Irish Car Bombs.
Gummer shows Nicole and I all the different places from on top of this beast of a building. We see Trump Plaza, where I learn there’s no gambling or booze; Old Vegas, our next destination; the airport; Red Rock; and some other things. I think my ears are starting to slur at this point. ON TO OLD VEGAS!
Part Three: Old Vegas
Gummer assures me this will be my favorite part. Once again, he does not disappoint. Our (also) Ethiopian taxi driver takes us there, again with traveller-beers in tow. Once we arrived, I couldn’t wait to get out of the cab. I felt like Onyx when he sees a squirrel. BUT, I had to wait until the cab-drop area. By the way, it drops us out at a bar named Griffin’s!
I could immediately tell the vibe of this area was different. It felt colorful. Creative. Not designed in a lab. It has character. Charm. And also, I need a beer.
Our first stop is a shopping/dining/entertainment area entirely built of shipping containers. Every place! It was amazing to see the creativity of a project like that. Designer clothes, yogurt, tacos, souvenirs, vapes. All available from these individual, yet collective metal sources.
After walking around briefly, the second stop was The Cortez. Clearly named after Nicole. Gummer decides to play some Blackjack, and Nicole and I belly up to the bar. We quickly befriend an older couple next to us, who hands us a pair of hotel drink tickets. Score! Free booze! A few minutes of conversation later, it lands us with 5 more free drink tickets! I’m about to get really good lookin’. We didn’t even have time to drink them all before heading to the next bar. Gummer wins some money gambling, and has a $10 chip stolen from him from some guy. Gummer’s 6’7”! What idiot would do that??!?
Next up was the Beauty Bar, where I would learn my beers are catching up to me. How, you ask? Well, after asking the pretty girl next to me what her name was, I responded with “No. Not your stage name. Your real name.” As she promptly left, I realize that maybe some parents do name their daughters Destiny.
Our next stop was “the most eclectic bar in Vegas”. I think they may be right. Gummer and Nicole power through another cocktail, while I regain my memory of what water tastes like. We see-sawed, checked out some rad art, and just hung out in the breezy outside courtyard. Wish I remembered the name of this place. It’s definitely a “must do”.
After all that, I learn that we haven’t even made it to the main area of Old Vegas, Fremont Street. As we walk into this area, I’m immediately greeted with seizure-producing lights, sounds, naked people, smells, breeze. It’s a sensory overload. In like the coolest way. The street is a normal street, with what you’d expect in Vegas: bars, casinos, restaurants on either side. But, above you are rows of lights with people “flying” by. You see, they have these zip lines that run the length of 2 or 3 blocks. And, you too, for the low, low price of $99 can “ride the strip”! I’m amazed by this place!
I bellied up to an inviting outside bar, and noticed an elderly black gentleman wearing a WWII Veteran hat sitting by himself. I thanked him for his service, and learned that Leon had been coming to Vegas every year, for 40 years, and he has continued that tradition even though she’s passed. I tell him my father was also in WWII, and was on the U.S.S. Missouri for the treaty signing. He tells me he was “way too tan” for missions like that. He doesn’t gamble, but loves to people watch. Vegas has the best people watching by far, he tells me. He’s right. Leon is what is right with the world: 93 years old and still learning every day. Still making people smile. Still planning on his 100th birthday.
We continue to make our way toward some band playing on some stage. There are literally almost-nekkid people everywhere doing splits, or magic tricks, or jokes, or just plain being ugly. All of them asking for your dollars. The land of opportunity, I guess.
Summary
Vegas is not for me. It isn’t on my radar for a return trip. New Vegas is a corporate sponsored, marketing mecca designed to separate you from your hard earned dollars. It is built to entice, to enchant, to consume. It is a fake city that thrives only on our dreams of “winning big”, that grows on consumption of $11 beers and $9 pizza slices.
Old Vegas, at its very heart, is more of the same. Albeit, with an actual heartbeat. It is charming. It is built of stories past. Stories of fame. Of gangsters. It is tangible. It is real.
Although Las Vegas is a place that causes me anxiety and stress, it further fuels my belief of “it’s not where you’re at, it’s who you’re with”. I had a blast in my brief stay, not because of shiny lights, but because of exploring with two amazing friends. Thank you for forcing me to Vegas, Ryan and Nicole.
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