Adventures in Manscaping
Ok, I admit it. I'm a manscaper. I've been blessed with a lot of positive qualities: I have beautiful blue eyes, a rapier sense of humor, and great calves. I have also been cursed with...............butt hair. Not just your normal thin couple of strands of pubes, but a veritable forest of thick, rich hair that could easily be the star of a Prell shampoo commercial if it were only on my head. It is satisfying to know that fifteen years from now, when the inevitable male pattern baldness sinks in, that it will be replaced with some beautiful hair grafts. (Note to future ladies running their hands through my thick locks of hair).
Back to the point. Last Friday treated me well. Bowling is my new Friday past-time; well, bowling and beer. Lots of beer. This particular evening saw the usual amount of pitchers, but also a never ending supply of tequila. Bad combo. Stumbling back to my room, spelunking through the never-ending boxes of crap left to rot in the hallway by an unnamed roommate, I came to the realization I needed to make a b-line to the shower. You puke in the toilet, don't you? Not I. No, I'm a shower man. After a few minutes of cold water, the sickness subsided, and was replaced with the realization that I hadn't trimmed in a while. Remembering that electric trimmers and showers don't mix (don't ask), I found the next best thing. Mach III. Not just your regular Mach either, this was a Mach III Turbo. I don't stand for naturally aspirated razors. I then proceeded to mow the back lawn. Wow, this works great. Unfortunately, however, I couldn't be satisfied with just a back lawn trimming. No, I must mow the whole block. Quick, drunken look in the mirror: shiny white smoothness. I really am hot. ....
Skip to Saturday morning. 11:30 wakeup. Yes, football day. God, I'm itchy. Ritualistic morning pee, 11:32. What the hell happened to my legs???? Circling around to the mirror, I realize I now have what looks like pin stripes of leg hair running from top to bottom. Tiny island oases of pubes engulf my backside surrounded by hundreds of tiny little red bumps. Realization: I really am not hot. I guess the moral of the story is, 1. Don't make any major decisions regarding body modifications after a night of tequila. 2. Tequila is not your friend. 3. Skin itches like a mofo after a virgin shaving. 4. Always use electric trimmers, they are worth the risk in the shower. End rant now.....
